If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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