My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
