I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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