I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
His hands were made for my vagina.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
