I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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