he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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