if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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