somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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