Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
i believe in u and ur pee
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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