Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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