Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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