If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
