Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
