I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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