every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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