you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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