when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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