Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
