I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
