no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
