I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
