I hate your face
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
