I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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