it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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