...so i touched it.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
