sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
