I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
