just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
