If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
