my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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