Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
