I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
