I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Sober January is a disaster.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
