i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
