I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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