It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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