even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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