She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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