last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
