Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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