Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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