yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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