His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
