Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
