just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
