my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
