I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
