Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
