I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
