I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
